I have this constant battle going on in my mind. I miss Brandon so much and feel so guilty when he is not with us. I wonder why I can't take care of him full-time when other's have children that are even more severely handicap? I get so frustrated with his group home because they lose or steal his things and he is not as well kept as I want him to be. But then after a day of him being home with us I can't wait for him to go back to his group home. Where did I go wrong? Why have I lost the boy that I once knew. Why can he sing all the lyrics to his favorite songs but he can't or chooses not speak to me. Will I ever feel at peace or will the battle just continue to go on?
Tammy, I don't know where to begin to tell you what a good mother you ARE. The ability you've had to juggle all the challenges that have been placed before you fill me with a sense of awe. I saw first hand your struggle to place him in this home... I saw the tears and wished there was a way to ease your burden. You've not failed.... oh please know that. One of the few words we heard from Brandon this last weekend was when he told you, "Happy Birthday." He loves you Tammy, and I believe that he knows that you love him. Someday when we see beyond the veil you will hold him in your arms as a celestial being. A son filled with gratitude and love for the mother who struggled near death to give him life and who continued in precious ways to support his earthly experience. Please know that we love you and view you as a precious daughter... thank you for the wonder of your special children!!!
ReplyDeleteTammy, this post makes my heart break for you. I can not even begin to know the feelings you have had over the years with all of the trials you've been entrusted with, but I hope you know that I have always held you up as someone who I aspire to be like. On every. single. level. But especially when it comes to the "hanging-on-by-a-thread" moments.
ReplyDeleteI came across a quote a couple of weeks ago that fits you perfectly. It simply said: "God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight." I know that you love Brandon with all of your heart and I know that he knows it, too, even though it may appear that he doesn't show it.
You said at the first of your post that you "have a constant battle going on in your mind." Sometimes in life you just have to "pick" your battles and go on, even when you think you may have lost the fight. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing for you to make a choice on, but I know in the end, things will work out the way they are supposed to.
Be gentle with yourself because I, along with everyone else who knows you, thinks you're pretty amazing and have handled yourself remarkably under some pretty hard circumstances over the years.
Love you much!
Tammy,
ReplyDeleteI have tears running down my face as I read your post and the comments from Mom and Tami Peterson! You are a very Trusted and Beloved Daughter of your Heavenly Father. He is aware of you and the feelings you have. I hope you know how much so many of us look up to you! You are an amazing mother, who loves her children with all her heart.
When Brandon looked into your eyes and said, "Happy Birthday!" We could feel the love he has for you, and he knows you love him! Please be kind to yourself and know that you are AMAZING!!! I am so pleased to call YOU my sister!
I LOVE you so much! I am always here for you!!!