Brandon's Visit...

Early in the week I got this idea that we should bring Brandon home Saturday night and then we could take him to church with us and try to at least make it through the sacrament and hopefully the whole meeting if he does well.  So Saturday came and Brady and I picked him up after we went to a movie.  Brandon seemed like he was in a good mood so I was hopeful.  However, I made the mistake of not having him go to the bathroom before we left and he peed his pants before we got to Parma.  As the night went on Brandon seemed to continue to get more and more worked up.  So of course he never slept at all during the night.  I kept helping him get back into bed about every 40 minutes and then finally around 3 am Scott got up and watched two music videos with him until the sun came up.  We have dealt with this before but when Brandon gets violent, hits, cusses, growls and talks nonstop about random people and things it is really hard to deal with.  He even shattered one of my thick Mickey glasses by slamming it onto the counter top.  Around 8:30 I realized that we weren't going to make it to church.  So much for my so called inspiration to attempt taking Brandon to church.  It was then I realized with tears running down my face that there are some things that are worst than death, losing a limb, your hearing or sight.  And that is when someone you love so much loses their mind and you can't connect with them anymore.  I feel so guilty when we don't see Brandon as often as we should and then when we do we can't get through or feel that connection anymore.  I almost wish that Heavenly Father would take him home so he can be free from this state he is in.  I'm not sure how we will be able to bring him home overnight again.  Scott and I left around 11:00 am to take Brandon back to Tomorrow's Hope.  I don't think Brandon ever calmed down the whole hour drive there.  The worst part was when I was trying to say goodbye he hit me again hard across the face.  I don't think Scott and I said two words all the way back home.  And I might have cried most of the way home.  We were both so heartbroken.  I don't know why this time was so much harder unless it was due to still being very tender about losing Trevor.  I felt I had a righteous desire to take Brandon to church and that didn't happen either which is hard to understand.